Sexual Health Series - I'm Not Enjoying It

"Hey babe. I can take you to places that you've never been before.."

Yep. I've fallen for that line too. You're all prepared for a night with Captain Stud Muffin and he turns out to be Captain Dud of the Decade. He is all talk and no foreplay! At least you can dust him off as a bad experience and move on.

What if your partner rates a 2 in the sack? For months now you've compiled mental shopping lists and contemplated how big the Milky Way really is while he's huffing and puffing away.

Sex is supposed to be fun for both of you. So how do you tell Mr Missionary that he stinks in the cot?
I can't imagine you'd come right out and say 'man you are awful', but tread very carefully as it's a delicate area.

Before we continue, we need to talk...if you are self-conscious about your appearance, then you need to deal with this first, as you won't have the confidence to change your boring sex situation.

Remember this at all times: he enjoys being with YOU and does not, repeat, DOES NOT give a flying fox about your cellulitehairylegscowlickpotbellysnailtrailthunderthighsfatcalvesflabbyarms or anything else you imagine that's wrong with your body.

If he didn't like the way you look, trust me, you wouldn't be there.
Right...where were we...

The biggest complaint is lack of foreplay. Try dropping the hint before you start any lovey stuff. Mention how you were reading an article in your favorite magazine :-) about what fun foreplay is. Or you could show him the article if you're not comfortable discussing it.

Don't be afraid of honesty. I know discussing sex may seem embarrassing at first, but it is of the utmost importance in a friendship. Any decent partner will appreciate an open discussion about your relationship. Anyway, it can be fun talking about sexy things!

If he stampedes towards sex, gently stop him and tell him you want to pause the sex bit until you both can't hold back any longer. Ask him to massage you first and softly guide him to where you want him to go.

Or ask what he wants. The aim is to encourage foreplay, and if he can see how much you are enjoying it, then he'll probably want to do it again.

Painful sex is, well, painful. This is usually caused by lack of lubrication and you can get into a weird holding pattern - sex hurts so you don't lubricate. Because you don't lube, sex hurts. Again this gets back to lack of stimulation. Get him to rub in a water-based lube if you have a dryness problem. Another suggestion is to use a body sauce.

The same old routine is just laziness! Instead of the dull old bed, try the car, living room, table, park (I know a couple who did this!)...anywhere but the bed. Knowing that you may get caught can add a little zing!

Experiment with different positions. There's no excuse for the man-on-top if this bores the pants back on you. Ask your friends what they do for variety. If he is too big or a bit on the small side, there are many positions that can reduce or enhance penetration. Go ahead! Experiment!

Read some books by Nancy Friday, Anais Nin - read them together! Surf some sites, but instead of typing in "sex" and pulling up grubby adult sites, try searching on "kama sutra" or "tantric sex". You may find Tantra.com of interest.

Rent some sexy videos...avoid the ones with the cheeseball disco soundtrack and mulletheads. Hire something more cerebral.

Discuss your fantasies...although you don't have to tell him everything. Keep some things just for you! This can be a great way to really open up and explore each other's mind...plus a lot of fun.

Some feel it's a women's duty to just lie back and let the guy enjoy it while we have to endure it. This way of thinking is sexist crap and does not belong in any rational discussion. If your man thinks that sex is more about him and refuses to please you, for god's sake get rid of him.

If you writhe and moan, pretending you are enjoying sex so he will hurry up and finish, then you've got to stop with the faking and start enjoying. It's a natural and healthy part of a relationship as long as you are both on equal ground.

"A good sex-life is not something you are born with, any more than the ability to cook, or crochet, or take shorthand." - Graham Masterson, 1975


- Kerryn Marlow

www.bodytalkmagazine.com