Scared of being a bad wife

Not so long ago I had a day off work due to morning sickness and after dragging myself from the bathroom and into bed I turned on my ever faithful Oprah only to find myself watching a woman screaming at another for being a bad mother. And why was she such a bad mother you may ask? Because she did the horrible thing of loving her husband first, not more than her kids just first. It was an unfair fight to say the least there were about 20 women to one, and Oprah was swapping sides. And one woman was being just downright nasty!

Although she was on the defense for most of the show her point was valid, how can you be in a fair and equal relationship when you cannot offer your husband the same amount of love you are lavishing on your children? So many husbands seem to be going it alone. They've been shut out as a lover, a confidante, a partner and even as a parent. I couldn't believe how many righteous mothers there were out there and it seemed like such an easy trap to fall into. There were so many women admitting to neglecting their husbands. Did they not love them anymore? Did they forget that they loved them? Could they not share their love? How could so many women be blind to what they were doing to their relationships? I had so many questions. My number one being how do I avoid this obvious pitfall to having children? I don't want to trade my husband for a child I haven't even had yet.

It seems the majority of women in American seem to think this is absolutely normal. They questioned how this woman could neglect her children like this, how could they not be her number one priority? What was this woman's reply you may ask? Her children were the number one priority to her husband and herself. They created them together, they love them together and they care for them together. I loved this woman! She was voicing everything I feared I would lose and showing me everything I had to gain. A family.

I may be one of the lucky few or just one in a million but when I married my husband I truly believed I was marrying my soul mate. Not because everything was always easy or because he or I were perfect but because we were a team. We were willing to face any adversity together. We both have our strengths and weaknesses and we supported each other even through the most irrational of moments.

It's hard to believe as I sit here 3 months pregnant that my husband at one stage didn't even want children. Was it an accident you may ask? Did I nag him into it? Did I give him an ultimatum? The answer of course is no. From the first conversation we had when we had only been dating for 3 months I knew where he stood and he knew what I wanted, but we both accepted that people change with time and we couldn't predict what the future held for us. The proverbial "hit by a bus tomorrow" analogy seemed to carry us through. But eventually we wanted to get married and again the issue arose. Surely we couldn't get married with such a large weight over our heads so we went to counseling. Did it solve our problem, no. Although at the time I wish it had but we walked away with a better idea of why the other held their beliefs. So again we decided better to have 2 years together of wedded bliss than none at all.

So we got married and somewhere along the line he changed his mind. I don't know what it was; I don't know when it was. Friends and family have all questioned him why. And his only answer has been because I love her. I don't think it makes sense to most people. And it's hard for me to explain but when you love someone things that you once held firmly don't always seem to make sense anymore. Simply people change.

Do I have the perfect marriage, no. Do I ever have days when I don't love him 100%, absolutely. Do I treat him horribly, occasionally. Do I snap at him, you betcha. But I always acknowledge my bad behaviour and in return he does the same for me. We're all allowed to have bad days, it's asking for forgiveness that's the hard part. So why do I think I can make ago of this marriage when even Oprah gives the evidence that having children is the number one factor for divorce in America. Because I loved him first and I making a promise to myself that I always will.

Beth Hosking