Parenting in a pandemic: a child psychologist's 5 top tips

4. Use consequences.

In the same way that behaviours followed by a good outcome increase in frequency, behaviours followed by an aversive outcome decrease in frequency. This is why using consequences following undesirable behaviours is really useful: consequences can reduce misbehaviour. There are a few things that make consequences more likely to be effective.

• Consequences need to be consistent. When a particular behaviour is followed by an aversive outcome every time it happens, kids learn that the behaviour is never going to get them what they want. But if a behaviour is followed by an aversive outcome only sometimes, then kids can start to think "I might get away with it this time". This kind of thinking means that undesirable behaviours will keep happening.
• Consequences need to be fair. Consequences can vary – from time-out to privilege removal to ignoring by the parent. The important thing is that the consequence is fair: time-outs shouldn't take place in dark rooms, privileges shouldn't be removed for weeks, ignoring shouldn't last all day. Aim to use consequences sparingly: your ratio of positive to negative interactions should fall heavily on the positive side.  Avoid corporal punishment, that is, punishment that involves causing physical pain. Science shows that corporal punishment worsens behaviour problems over time. Our website has more information about time-out.
• Some consequences warrant a second chance. For some undesirable behaviours like non-compliance with a parent request, it may be warranted to use a reminder or warning before implementing the consequence (e.g., "If you don't …, then …"). This is because something like non-compliance might happen because your child didn't hear you or got distracted by something. Other behaviours like hitting or spitting probably deserve an automatic consequence. This is because these kinds of behaviours are never okay under any circumstances.
• Implement consequences neutrally. When we implement consequences, it's usually for a behaviour that upsets us and we tend to show these emotions to kids. But it's important to remember that it's the consequence that changes the behaviour, not your delivery of it. Consequences don't need emotion to be effective and, in some circumstances, a highly emotional consequence can worsen the behaviour because kids tend to become more emotional as parents get emotional. Implementing consequences like a robot means that you are showing your kids how to be calm when stressed and seeing this can help them calm down.
• Debrief the behaviour after the consequence. Debriefing"having a conversation with your kid about why a particular behaviour wasn't appropriate and the effects it had on other people"is important for kids' learning. But try and get the timing right. Good learning doesn't happen when emotions are high. So do your debrief once everybody (including you) has calmed down.
• Have a family meeting. In the same way that explaining the reward system can be helpful for motivating kids, it can be helpful to have a family meeting to discuss the discipline system. Set kids up for success: kids should know what parents expect of them and what the consequences are when they don't meet those expectations.

The most important thing to remember about using consequences is that kids thrive when there are consequences. Having fair, firm boundaries that are consistently enforced creates a structured environment in which kids can feel safe. This is all the more necessary in our current uncertain, unstructured world. Knowing that your parent will reliably keep you safe is a fundamental pillar of a healthy parent-child relationship.

5. Take care of yourself.

This feels trite to write because – #pandemic – but the first step in taking good care of kids is taking good care of yourself. Self-care is fundamental to effective parenting. Self-care will differ from person to person, but regardless of how you do it, make sure you schedule it in. Protect it. Prioritise it. This is especially true if your usual way of doing self-care has been affected by closures because you're probably in a self-care deficit. Figure out something else that fills up your cup because there's only so much you can pour out for others when your cup is empty.

This is a lot of advice and hopefully some of it is useful. I call this kind of parenting 'Super Parenting' because it's hard: it takes time and effort to establish and maintain these ways of responding. But Super Parenting is only the method, it's not the goal. The goal is Good Enough Parenting. There's no such thing as perfect parenting and you're going to stuff it up all the time because you're human. But kids are resilient and forgiving. Your best is good enough. Even if your 'best' isn't as good as before the pandemic hit, it's still enough.

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