Love in the First Degree

With every trip to the supermarket I make, with every catalogue and newspaper I read, and every time I turn on the television in February a dagger is pushed further into my heart.

It came as no surprise to me when I heard that on February 14th, 1929 6 people were killed. Historians will tell you it was a mob killing; I am convinced it was because Al Capone was sick to death of Valentines Day.

Valentines Day is a massacre every year for me and the many millions of single people around the world. It is a politically incorrect holiday that stinks of all the things rotten about love. Public Displays of Affection, or as experts call it: W.T.B (Where's the Bucket).

You may have noticed at Christmas there has been an increase in the amount of Seasons Greetings cards, and a decrease in Merry Christmas cards. Last Christmas many child care centers and schools reworked there celebrations, excluding Santa and Jesus so that non-Christians could also experience the magic of Christmas.

It seems odd that the political correctness monster hasn't reared its ugly head into this holiday yet. Valentines Day is the one day of celebration that needs the fun taken out of it but where is Mr. PC?
Much like a taxi he's always there when you don't want him, and never when you do.

The message of Valentines Day is still, "tough luck if you are single and your love life resembles expired milk". If you're not celebrating the fact that cupid has fired a shot at you then you're still going to be bombarded by images of love hearts, flowers, teddy bears and other clichéd pieces of crap.

We live in a world where capitalism rules, so it's funny that Hallmark hasn't taken notice of the many consumers who can not purchase a single thing on Valentines Day, as well as the people who will not receive a card on the 14th. I mean JLO has a better chance of winning an Oscar than I do of getting a Valentines. And like Mr. P.C, Hallmark is no where to be found.

The merchandising opportunities for us desperate and dateless ones are endless.
Calvin Klein Rid: Gourmet Capsicum Spray. Great for spraying the eyes of unsuspecting couples.
Barbeques Galore Burning Kit: Great for photos of ex lovers, gifts from former lovers, the underwear you stole from that girl you had a crush on...
Extendable Prong: Ideal for office workers, when yet another colleague receives a bundle of helium balloons you can burst them without moving from your desk.
Cadbury's Glass and a half of Scotch: When the sight of people in love gets all too much.

I can think of one reason why single people haven't been embraced by the Valentines Day juggernaut and it's because the couples don't want us. They didn't want us on the Ark and they don't want us involved in Valentines Day. And it's their loss; the Ark would have been much more fun if Noah had put all the single swinging animals on the Ark for 40 days and 40 nights!


- Matt Simpson