How to get Dad involved with pregnancy

When I first showed my husband my freshly peed on pregnancy test I have to say the look on his face was not the look I was expecting. First he was a little grossed out by the idea he was holding something I had just urinated on and secondly he had no idea what he was looking at. In my excitement I had forgotten to tell him that a positive result would be shown by 2 little blue lines. Once we had established the fact that I was indeed up the duff (as he referred to it) I thought I should ask him how he felt about the results. Of course we had long discussions about having children, when, how many, what did we want to do with our lives, etc, etc. But the truth of the matter was we had only just started trying and really weren't expecting it to happen so quickly. So when his answer was that he was both excited and nervous about it I was tremendously relieved.

To be honest pregnancy was something that I approached with mixed feelings, the thought of being pregnant and becoming a mum was exciting, the idea of morning sickness, stretch marks, varicose veins and labour was daunting to say the least. And these were just my fears; I could only imagine what my husband was thinking. Pregnancy is never easy on women there's a lot to deal with but as we deal with every concern, illness, doctors appointment and irrational emotion our partners also suffer through it without the first clue as to how to help.

Men hate to feel inadequate and we've just put them in a front row seat where there is very little they can do to help. Sure foot rubs, cups of tea and a shoulder to cry on are fantastic offerings but isn't there more we can give them to feel involved? My husbands not a big reader so when I found a book called " The Baby Owner's Manual - Operating instructions, trouble shooting tips, and advice on first-year maintenance" by Louis Borgenicht, M.D. and Joe Borgenicht, D.A.D I thought I was onto a winner. Yet there it sits on his bedside table collecting dust looking as new as the day I first bought it. I was going to have to be a little more creative!

At first I'd leave out my pregnancy magazines and occasionally he'd pick one up and point out interesting facts. This was great it gave me an idea of what kind of information he was looking for. Now each week I tell him how big the baby is, what development it's made and what I should expect from this week i.e: morning sickness, irritability, tiredness, etc. Each week he gives the baby a new name for example at 10 weeks the baby was about the size of a walnut so it became Wally the walnut, then it was Nigel the nectarine, Larry the Lemon, Percy the Peach, this week its Milo the Mandarin. Each Thursday he renames the baby with the information available from handouts from your hospital. It's his way of connecting with something he can't feel, or see, or even really understand. It just is and he's being forced to accept it, bad moods and all!

Our first trip to the obstetrician together was a huge deal for my partner. He was nervous about the questions they might ask or any tests he may have to take. All completely unfounded of course because quiet frankly the doctor couldn't care less about him! He was thrilled with seeing his "little headbanger" (the baby was moving around a lot) on the screen. Although he was weirded out by the fact it was a transvaginal scan. He was unaware of its existence, another thing I should have prepared him for. He was equally impressed with the doctor's advice to ignore everyone's advice. If you want to exercise, eat soft cheeses, seafood, deli meats, drink alcohol or party like its 1999 then to go ahead but to do it in moderation. On the flipside I could be as strict as I wanted but not to feel pressured into doing so. It was all my choice. But to please avoid any drug taking no matter how insignificant it may seem without a doctor's advice with the exception of panadol. My husband admitted on the way home he had been stressed by all the things he had read about what to avoid and had secretly flipped out when I ate a can of tuna.

So what do I do now to help my partner? Simply we chat over Saturday morning brunch. We talk about what's happening inside my body, what I would like from labour, what he would like in a new car, where the baby will sleep, which room will be the nursery, how funny my burping has become, when will the horniness begin. All of the important aspects or life and pregnancy!

The sad fact of the matter is there is little else I can offer him other than talking about it because the truth is I don't have all the answers. Neither do the doctors. No one can predict what will happen to me, or the baby, or to him. So we keep each other updated. Not just on the pregnancy but on our lives. Because that's what keeps us connected it was before we got pregnant and will after the baby is born. It's a boring answer to a complicated question and it won't help you avoid arguments or solve every problem but it's a journey and were in it together. Bonded forever by the little life growing in tummy.

Beth Hosking