Drunk On Love

Elaine: 25 percent.
Jerry: 25 percent? No way. It's like four to six percent. It's a twenty to one shot.
Elaine: You're way off.
Jerry: Have you been to the Motor Vehicle Bureau? It's a leper colony down there.
Elaine: You're saying 95 percent of the population is un-datable?
Jerry: Un-datable!
Elaine: So how are all these people getting together?
Jerry: Alcohol.

I have always wondered why good-looking girls had ugly boyfriends, and vice versa. I think Jerry was right, 95% of the population is un-dateable. I have often wondered if I'm in that 95%.

Why my love life was in desperate need of a fundraising telethon? I decided to take a stroll down relationship memory lane and I noticed all of my attempts to chat woman up had one common thread, alcohol. If all these people were getting together because of alcohol why wasn't I?

I'm not the type of drunk to randomly dance with people at a club; I dance with my friends and no one else. I am the drunk who approaches women to talk. That is the problem.

You see, nothing is riskier than attempting to chat up a woman.

Think about it, we men give you ladies our dignity and hearts on a platter for you to do with what you want. We don't even make you pay a bond; if you want to crush our souls - you can. This normally happens to me and after one rejection I get angry and return with a broken heart to my friends James Beam, Boris Smirnoff and Jose Tequila.

However I have seen guys get a 'no' from one girl and then watched in amazement as he then moves on to her friend with his head up high. How do they do it?

It wasn't always like this. If old movies are anything to go by our ancestors met on trams, boats, in elevators and while visiting sick relatives in the hospital.
Isn't that odd? How did we go from a race where all you needed to do to find a date on a Saturday was to drop a lace handkerchief in front of someone, to a planet of people who needed a blood alcohol level that would make Diana Ross seem sober just to talk to a member of the opposite sex?

I'm normally not one to make resolutions; I have nothing to resolve, except for the fact that my love life resembles that of George Costanzas. So my resolution is to meet girls the old fashion way, sober and in an elevator, bus, train, tram or whilst crossing the road.

I was on a mid afternoon train ride home from work. Five rows down was a brunette with great eyes. You know the big brown type, plus she had curls, and I have a thing for wavy hair.

Our eyes met so I smiled in a Cary Grant like way. She smiled back; I was ready to have a cardiac-arrest. My brain was going into overdrive trying to think of the next move. What should I do now?

Do I approach her and risk humiliation in front of a semi crowded train? Yes! That's what Cary Grant would do. But what do I say?
Do you want to have dinner some time?

Dinner - what the hell is that?
How about a drink sometime - a drink that's what I need.

I should start with my name. Hi I'm Matt!
It hardly has the same ring as, Bond - James Bond. Oh God, I wish I had a sexy name. Hurry up. Hurry up.

WOW! She's coming back for a second look, quick suck in your stomach. It was then that she started to look uncomfortable, her nose was screwed up and her eyes were darting across the train, like she was looking for help. At the next stop she quickly rushed off the train, and then ran onto another carriage!

What was wrong with me? I then realized the problem - in all the excitement my brain had forgotten to tell my mouth to stop smiling.

My eyes had been locked on her and the upper corners of my mouth remained raised up to my cheeks, resulting in a creepy serial killer-esque grin.

With that I decided, even if my success rate wasn't high, approaching women with a drink in one hand had to be better than being compared with Jack the Ripper.

Have you met your lover whilst you were sober?


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* Names have been changed to protect the innocent.