Colour Coding

We welcome to Femail.com.au our new columnist Matt Simpson.
Matt is 20. But don't let the age fool you, he has had more than his fair share of relationship sagas. Why? He doesn't understand women and/or their dating habits. It's fair to say that at present Matt's love life is dormant, if not extinct. One thing he does know is it's easier to teach woman about men than vice versa. Let us know what you think of his first column by emailing Matt below! And of course stay tuned for his next installment to gain further insight into the male mind....


COLOUR CODING
I was at the bar. It was one of those promotional nights where the flip of a coin means the difference between a round of free drinks or a round of paid drinks. Either way you get a drink. Not surprisingly the line was endless. I however had an ingenious plan. Order doubles. I made it to the bar, the coin was flipped into the air, a bead of sweat rolled down the back of my neck. "HEADS" I declared with a false sense of confidence, the coin spiraled down to the palm of the barmaid. Heads it was - it was a proud moment!

I carefully carried my prized drinks through the long queue and remarked to the blonde behind me that this system should be adopted in taxis.

I returned later in the hour to see if my winning streak was still high. Next to me was the blonde. We discussed world peace, the logging problems in Tasmania and the fact that the line to alcohol was never-ending.

This continued, she flirted, I flirted, she flirted, and she flirted. I saw many opportunities to advance up in the line to alcohol but stayed back because SHE WAS FLIRTING! Then from left field she mentioned her boyfriend. The dream was over. It was clear all I was going to get in this line was a scotch, and I would have got one quicker if she hadn't been flirting with me.

But was she flirting with me or just making the time between drinks less boring? I don't know, and will never know. You see, flirting with a guy is quite simple, all you have to do is talk to him and you can pretty much guarantee that he is hooked.

Not only is our rational thought thrown out the window because we so excited a girl is talking to us. But it's been proven that blokes are not good at multi-tasking, we can't monitor if your hair is being twirled, and your head is tilted slightly and your toes are moving in a clockwise direction. All we can tell is you are talking to us, and that's enough grounds to assume are flirting.

Is this often misleading? Well the blonde demonstrated that it is very misleading. However until a multi-tasking device is invented for men and spruiked on GMA I have a better way to make sure men and woman can communicate without a man thinking he's going to get lucky.

A classification system. Little coloured circles sewn on to people's clothes. Each colour represents a different status of relationship.

RED: I'm Single and looking
BLUE: I'm Single and not looking
GREEN: I'm in a Short term relationship
YELLOW: I'm in a Long term relationship

ORANGE: I'm in a relationship but I play around
PINK: I'm gay

The colour code is to be worn at all times, in supermarkets, bars, at work, at church, wherever people come in contact with the opposite sex.


- Matt Simpson