A Letter to Chelsea

A Letter to Chelsea

Hey there Chelsea,
Thank you so much for wanting to hear the full story. That is all I ask of people, to find out the truth before judging.

Many people witnessed the insufferable position the kids and I were in when I ran away with David for 3 months. In fact there was a support group and blog started up specifically to find ways to change the path Karl was on, and to try and help us.

When Karl initially abducted David (in 2006), I came home to a ransacked and empty house. Karl ended the marriage this way as a shock tactic. After he returned, he began his campaign of abuse.

At that time, and later, my friend Steve came to stay and watched me deal with up to ten abusive calls a day. Sarah, my mum and a friend of Sarah's were also threatened and abused. At this time we were sharing David about 60% me, 40 % Karl.

We did all the things, mediation etc, but I was terrified in the face of continued threat. The mediator said that Karl was the angriest person she had ever witnessed in her rooms. She sighed out of stress when he left. Little comments like that validated my experience. After years of living with him, I believed his threats and knew firsthand how violent and obsessive he is; yet he projects this untouchable wall around him.

He cannot bear to be crossed and unfortunately I am not someone to be continuously submissive. I did try, after years of fighting I decided to just agree with him to keep the peace, but he would pursue me relentlessly until he got the satisfaction of reaction and tears. Sarah too, she just gave in and disappeared to her room whenever he was in the house.

I didn't tell anyone how abusive Karl was. He has such a persuasive public persona I didn't think people would believe me; also I was in very powerless state when with him; and I was ashamed. He can also be very nice; can be so kind alongside being utterly controlling and quite insane. After a few years into our relationship I would start shaking in fear 30 minutes before he came home, and yet I would rush to him for a hug.

He keeps the dominant position in absolutely everything - especially via the 'I am so understanding and rational, I will care for you through this abuse I'm inflicting on you'. He even told me in a courtroom to "stay strong," whilst he was fighting to have me only see David in the completely absurd and unnatural setting of -supervised contact'!

Karl is actually delusional, coming to believe wholeheartedly his own lies, and is very convincing. When resisted he can go off the rails - he would hit walls, his head, gouge his fingernails into his hands, pin me down on the bed, stand over me naked and raging when I would be trying to sleep in another room to avoid arguing, chase me relentlessly until I was broken down and begging for him to stop. He kicked Sarah's door in once when I escaped into her room after he had dragged me by my hair to the bedroom.

Sarah of course was not allowed to give witness as a minor, and now she's old enough all his lies have taken this so far, they won't listen to her anyway.

After a few months, the façade of sharing David was ripped away. It was revealed that Karl had already been scheming to get sole care of David for nearly a year. Whilst still living together, he had employed a lawyer and had been setting up a trail of -evidence'. For example after a big fight he had called child protection, telling them I was abusing the children. The fight had included him pinning me against the kitchen bench until I was bruised. Sarah had taken David for a walk. Anyway, Karl had threatened me a couple of times previously that child protection would believe him because he worked in the field and was more convincing than me. Naturally I was terrified, so I refused to be interviewed by them. Finally, after Karl had left, I answered their call and they came round. They reassured me that vindictive partners do this quite often, and they closed the file on me.

Then in court, Karl subpoenaed their documents and got an -extradited' hearing (the sort where a child may be in danger of serious abuse) based on his claims that child protection were involved. The documents revealed that he had rung them repeatedly, not at first as the husband, but as a community health worker. The child protection worker concluded that there was no cause for concern in my care of the children and that she -queried the husband's motives in persisting to have the file re-opened and the mother diagnosed with a mental disorder'.

But now, 4 years later, he is bringing those documents again as evidence in court. That is his tactic – submit mountains of claims, documents (true or otherwise), affidavits and files, repeatedly, until no-one can unravel it. He also did similar things with the police. Kept making statements that I was assaulting him, but then wouldn't go as far as pressing charges, so I didn't know about it until it was revealed in court, and yet he now had -evidence' on paper.

Once (in the year of Karl's planning) we went to yet another counsellor, on Karl's insistence. But it was strange – the man talked mainly to me and suggested drugs. The session was over in half an hour. Then on the way home, Karl was out of control, yelling at me things like -if he had been recommended drugs he would take them because he loved his family'. The therapist then rang me at home trying to convince me to take the drugs. Weird and upsetting, but I am not a suspicious person, so I was shocked to discover in court that the -counsellor' was a psychiatrist that Karl had organised with his doctor to take me to, so that he could get a mental health diagnosis and a drug prescription to add to his case.

When Karl first left and began his attack, in one of the calls he told me that he would 'not stop until he had destroyed me."

He has pursued that crusade both through the courts and in person. From his lawyers it never stopped – continual letters of threat (e.g. I was breaching orders because David didn't ring at the prescribed time on Friday night {he was in bed sick with a fever}; or I had picked him up an hour early from school when it was not my time to be with him, etc, etc) and incessant court applications to have the orders changed -based on new evidence'.

Karl had pushed for and got orders that I was not allowed to move more than 5 km from town, even though the court supposedly allows for each -parents right to choose their place of residence'. David's contact changed over every 2-3 days. So I couldn't go anywhere, there was trouble if I was late returning David (e.g. coming home from my mum's two hrs away), everything, constant trouble, and the distress of every changeover, where I would start shaking, Sarah and David would start crying. Karl also stalked me, went through my things when I was away for a weekend, stole jewellery, etc.

He also took over every social sphere. I was new in town and didn't know many people. If I made a new friend, David would soon say -Oh Dad and I went to dinner at their place.' He told everyone that I was crazy and that David was not safe with me but that he was just trying to do the best by me -for David's sake, and because he cared so much.' I knew it every time after someone had spoken with him. I made it worse for myself because I withdrew, being in a continual state of fear and threat, having to go to court all the time, etc. I felt utterly powerless. Karl even got a job at David's school, charming everyone, whereas I would creep in, red-eyed from crying, terrified of running in to him. Ultimately I started waiting outside the school for David to come to me. Once Sarah went in to get David about 10 minutes early, and I watched from the car as Karl chased her through the school gardens. I felt like a piece of crap, too frightened to protect my daughter from a violent man.

I started my teaching degree, which meant that I was even more absent. Withdrawing was agony, but I didn't feel strong enough to resist the onslaught. There were even court battles about who would attend meetings at David's school. It would be my time, and then Karl would threaten to turn up and dominate. In many things I just gave way. Everything felt like a defence, a very weak position.

After two years, there was no end in sight, no hope of anything changing, only the very real menace of it getting worse. I was so desperate because Karl was threatening such extreme things (such as he has now got).

So in early 2008 Sarah went into boarding at her school and I took off. Two reasons - I was in an unendurable situation; and I thought that if there was some reason for him to reconsider his actions and try for a fair resolution, then staying away until he promised to negotiate would force his hand. Some people in the support group had been trying to mediate with him (Rob, Steve and Mel) but they came away spooked by his trickery and concealed violence. I thought that they might get through to him. Also I thought the kids would get a break from the nightmare.

I know it was a desperate act, born out of a desperate situation. Some people do judge me still for it, but not the ones who were there witnessing the abuse I was experiencing. In Japan they don't punish runaway mothers because they have too much evidence showing that a woman could only make such a dire decision in the face of intolerable stress. It doesn't make my actions right, but at the time I couldn't see another way.

But also, that was two years ago. Karl has continued to prevent David from seeing me with an obsessive and increasing fight. Why is David being punished? The proof is in the pudding; Karl has got what he threatened from the absolute beginning. Now, with David biting his hands and rocking and wetting his bed in grief for up to two months after seeing me, and telling his father that he wants to spend more time with me, his father is pushing to completely cut off the relationship.

I haven't been able to even speak with David over the telephone since January 2010. I got to see him for two x two hours in a supervised centre (the kind of place sex-offenders see their children) in July. He was meant to be with Sarah and me in July and he was meant to come up here in December, but Karl stopped all that, based on a report by Karl's personal therapist, a psychologist who has never met me. My mother was threatened that she'd never get to see her grandson again if she let David telephone me when he goes to her place one day a month. Even to get that -legally entitled' day a month she still has to endure the same intimidation, extremely small-minded negotiations and constant loss. The other month at her place David had a breakdown in the middle of the night, waking her up with screaming and inconsolable crying, wanting to see me.

I'm sure this comes as a shock to you; it still does for me. I never knew how much pain one can bear. Sarah too, her grief is as constant as mine, she loves her little brother more than anything.

I have felt so powerless against the immense onslaught.

I feel that I must repeat strongly; Karl's actions have been a premeditated and unrelenting scheming, starting months prior to his leaving. Without my knowledge, he had a new phone, a flat and a formulated plan. This was whilst we were still living together - he working fulltime, me as a stay-at-home mum and David a very happy four year old. My actions have been out of reaction and desperation.

Not many people can comprehend how obsessive and powerful Karl is. During the relationship we went to see many counsellors, but he would position himself as the caring one, with me as the problem. I became utterly voiceless. I once mentioned his pornography addiction creating trouble between us and I was screamed at so much on the way home that I never dared again. Only one counsellor began to dig deeper. She said she felt a strange threat and fear when we were in the room with her. I sat there silently screaming -yes, yes, help me, this is my daily experience.' She also looked closely at us and then asked, 'So Rebecca, why have you stopped painting and dancing? Why have you lost touch with your -old circle of friends'? I'm confused". Karl of course refused to go back and see her.

Sarah knows, but she feels so voiceless and abused by absolutely everyone - the courts, friends, the family and the community. She has been so let down, and the biggest pain is that no-one seems to care, or want to hear what she has witnessed, her understanding of things. She is incredibly clear thinking and wise, I just pray that her voice matters someday. No-one can replace for her the lost relationship with a brother she loves so deeply, or her lost youth.

The family court is a very strange place. It is not a merit-based court. That means that you don't need to prove reason to take anyone to court. Also, there's no forensics on evidence (its not investigated externally for verification) and perjury is not punished. There is no jury, and the session with the -single expert witness' (the psychologist who interviews the parents and children) is not recorded. Journalists are not allowed to report on any proceedings, as there is a -gag' on this court, unlike all other courts. See this article: www.justiceforchildrenj4c.webs.com and take a look at the video labelled -Australian Journalists' at this site - www.saferfamilylaw.org.au/misc/familycourt_youtube_campaign.html

I need support, but more importantly David needs everyone to start sticking up for his right to know his mother and sister. Sarah needs this too. Every day I wake in grief and fear. Trying to run this case by myself, I feel so alone and small. Karl had two lawyers and a barrister in court in October. That would have cost at least $6,000 for the day. His parents have funded him well over $150,000 so far. His mother always treated me like 'rent-a-womb', but I am still in disbelief how they can justify this crusade. We would stay in Karl's father's house and he would tell me 'what a wonderful mother I was'. I owe my mum about $70,000 and she simply has no funds left. I now represent myself in court because mum's out of money. Poor mum, she's been through hell with all this.
Without representation the judge won't listen to you. Also I have nothing left to say; only the truth - I love my children, David needs to know his mother and sister. Imagine if this much time and money had been put into finding a workable solution. But it wouldn't have taken time and money.

I didn't speak with David on my birthday, for Christmas, or for his birthday. No one can comprehend how painful this is; every day hurts the same, but to not speak with your child for so long, the impossibility of it aches and aches. What justification could any person have to treat a child so cruelly, let alone the many others affected?

David sent me a card for my birthday.

His father organises about two such cards a year, then he gets to write on affidavit about how wonderful he is, making all this effort to maintain David's relationship with me. Anyway, David must have sealed the envelope before his father got to read it, because in really small writing down the bottom he wrote: 'remember, never stop fighting for me'.

Of course there are many, many other things that have happened, like the judge who laughed at me, saying that 'why would a 16 year old want to spend time with her little brother?" when I told him that Sarah wouldn't see her brother for a week in the fortnightly schedule if certain arrangements were put in place.

And the awful time I screamed at Karl, took off his glasses and threw them on the ground. This was after David had been taken off me and I hadn't seen him for eight weeks and I was meant to have a two hour -visit'. Yes I behaved badly, but Karl used it to his advantage by calling the police, telling them I had assaulted him and broken his fence, etc.

David had rushed out into Sarah's arms, but Karl ripped him away telling Sarah she 'would never see her brother again."

I had to go to court, but as there were no witnesses to his accusations I was not charged, but had to pay for his glasses. Now of course he tells the Family court that I was charged with assault, and without needing to prove it, the judge believes him.
A thousand things, so much, I am overwhelmed.

I'm not perfect, who is? But I have a child who needs me. As a parent I'm pretty spotless, in fact love and care of my children (and other kids) has always been the biggest pride and joy in my life.

Naturally this account is from my point of view. But at the end of the day the facts I've presented remain the same, and I can provide reams of evidence on paper. And the incontestable truth remains, that a good parent and hurting children are being prevented from speaking (not to mention hugging, sharing life) through the actions of one man who abdicates all responsibility and says its the -courts' making the orders, whilst he obsessively pursues the most dishonest and destructive path.

Thank you for your love and support. I do not have a single-minded, warrior personality; but I am forced to keep on until a fair solution is achieved.
-Rebecca.