A Guide to Gym Etiquette

DON'T LOOK DOWN

I never used to be a gym junkie. Hell no. I was more your 'sit on the couch with a couple of beers' kind of gal. I was happy this way, purely because I refused to look down. But, the day finally came when my pajama pants became too small. Only then I caught a glimpse of what was going on down there. Oh the horror.

It was time to pay attention to my own body instead of shouting expletives at the girls on 'Search For A Supermodel'. So I called my local gym and asked them to send out a brochure. It arrived the next day and sat on the coffee table.

A few months later (my pj's were being held together with a safety pin) I looked for the brochure. I must have thrown it out, so I shamefully called the gym again. The woman on the other end seemed to recognise my voice and said very nicely "How about I send you out a free pass so you can come and have a look?" Now she was talking my language. She must have realised that most tight arses, don't actually possess them.

I had never been to a gym before and boy did it show. My first few weeks were a huge learning experience for me. If you've never worked out in a gym, you may think it's about beautiful people strutting around in front of mirrors. True, there may be some people there like that, but most gym goers think these people are wankers too.

There is a whole set of unwritten rules at the gym and due to me being the female equivalent of Mr Bean, I've broken every one of them.
To save you the same embarrassment, please read my guide to Gym Etiquette.

WALKING INTO THE GYM

Don't be paranoid: When you first walk through the doors, it will feel as though EVERYONE is staring at you. Trust me they're not. That is unless you're wearing leg warmers and a terry-toweling headband.

INSIDE THE GYM:

Always bring a towel: This is to wipe sweat off the machines and this doesn't always mean yours.

Don't glare:
AT MEN: I know how hard it can be sometimes. You're stuck on an exercise bike, with nothing to look at but the wall or the 7 ft Adonis with muscles so defined that even his eyelids are pumped. Just like anywhere else, staring is rude. It puts other people off their workout and makes you look a tad psychopathic. A quick glance is okay, but if the person you're looking at looks back at you, then you've gone too far. If you can't help yourself, use the mirrors to peek at them more discreetly.

AT WOMEN: If you feel threatened by the toned women in there, do your best not to give them dirty looks. I know it's hard. When I started at my gym, I wanted to kick some females' solarium basted bums out of my sight. But, rather than despise them, I tried to admire them for working so hard. When they started, they were probably twice your size and felt just as clumsy as you do now.

Grave Jumping: Usually people do more than just one set of each exercise and have a short rest in between. If someone is using a machine that you're waiting for, ask them before jumping on while they are resting. This also applies to movable equipment, such as free weights or Swiss balls (not those of the backpacker in the corner either) which may be near someone who is resting. Most of the time they'll be happy to share with you (the towel really comes in handy in this instance). If they refuse, take note, as you've just encountered your first gym wanker. Also look out for towels or water bottles sitting on equipment as this means that it is occupied.

Dawdling is evil: If you can clearly see that someone is waiting for the piece of equipment that you are using, don't rush, but don't dawdle either. That is unless the person is the wanker who wouldn't share equipment with you earlier.

Don't compete: Whatever you do, do not try to keep up with the person next to you. You will only embarrass yourself. Just because you want to show that smarmy cow next to you, that you're just as fit as she is, doesn't mean that you actually are. People who work out seriously do not even know that you exist. They are too involved in their own workout to be worried about humiliating you. You should only be in competition with yourself. Otherwise you run the risk of injuring yourself or worse, falling on your face in front of everyone, which is the only time that people will notice you.

Mirror, Mirror: Before I started going to the gym, I thought that all people who worked out were extremely vain, hence the need for wall to wall mirrors. Now as regular gym-goer, I realise that the mirrors are actually there as a safety measure. No, not to spot and treat pimples as soon as they appear, but to watch my form while doing exercises. Some exercises are completely useless and can cause injury if they're not done properly. By looking into the mirror while you do them, you can check that you are doing them correctly. Don't worry about what other people think, they're not worried about you.

IN THE CHANGING ROOM:

Don't stare: Again, don't glare at naked people, no matter how ugly, deformed or unnaturally fit they are. And whatever you do, don't strut around naked yourself. There are places specifically designed for that kind of behaviour.

Don't stretch people's tolerance: Don't go about your after-workout stretch in between removing your tracksuit and taking a shower. The naked body can look grotesque enough, without contorting it into the Lotus position, especially in front of someone else's locker.

They're not all pipes: Lastly, remember on Seinfeld when George Costanza was barred from his gym? Do you remember why he was barred? A shower is not a multipurpose apparatus. I need say no more.

So, there you have it. The gym may seem scary to you now, but that's only because you're not used to it. KEEP GOING no matter how awkward you feel. In no time you'll start to see results and become familiar with the way things work. Endorphins will become a good friend and your confidence will grow as your body tones up. And the biggest benefit of all is that you will never be afraid to look down again.

- Karen Sutherland