Becoming a Mother

Becoming a Mother

There is perhaps no other journey quite like becoming a mother for the first time. For most, it is a moment filled with joy. Yet for many new mothers, it may soon be followed by confusion and self-doubt. Many women worry about if they will ever overcome those difficult early days and become the loving, confident mothers they long to be.

Social worker, family therapist and author of Becoming a Mother Leisa Stathis says, -The unspoken truth about motherhood is that it is a journey of complex feelings. We may find it exhausting, confusing and difficult and yet we still love our babies with every breath. These complex feelings can co-exist yet for many women, the fear of judgment from others leads us to hide them away. -

Becoming a Mother explores the emotional journey of new motherhood. It reminds women that, as mothers, in amongst all that they don't know and feel they are doing wrong, there are many, many things they are doing wonderfully right.

-From the moment a baby is born, many women place incredible pressure upon themselves to be perfect mothers, to love their babies instantly and to feel confident in the role of parent. The honest truth is that motherhood doesn't necessarily come 'naturally" and often we simply need time. The first year is a time of profound transformation, not just within our babies, but also within our relationship and our identity.

-Knowing this, many women might enjoy the early days of new motherhood more. We do not need to be perfect mothers right from the start, we just need to be good enough,' says Leisa.

The first year is a time of profound transformation – and for all of its challenges, a wonderfully rich experience. Babies grow and mothers do too. It is a love story like no other. It is the passage of becoming a mother.

Leisa Stathis is a social worker and qualified family therapist with over 20 years of experience. She has worked with organisations such as Adult Mental Health, ACT for Kids and the Division of General Practitioners. Currently in private practice, Leisa provides individual and family therapy to children, adolescents and their families. She lives with her husband and two children in Queensland.

Becoming a Mother
Finch Publishing
Author: Leisa Stathis
RRP: $27.99

Interview with Leisa Stathis

Question: What inspired you to write Becoming a Mother?

Leisa Stathis: I began writing Becoming a Mother shortly after my second child was born. Initially I wrote the book to make sense of my own experience as a mother because I found at that time that there were many books which talked about the pragmatics of caring for a baby, but very few which reflected on the unspoken parts of being a parent; that caring for a baby can be very difficult, that in the early days we can feel very bewildered as we come to know our baby and learn how to read their cues. In conversation with other mothers, I found that I was not alone in having these feelings yet most new mothers rarely talked about the difficulties of the early months because they worried about the judgment of others. Many women place enormous pressure upon themselves in the early days of parenting and often carry tremendous guilt and sadness if they are struggling with the challenges that having a baby brings. It struck me that carrying these feelings alone makes for a lonely parenting journey.

As I started thinking about these unspoken aspects to being a new mother, I found myself one day observing a mother with a newborn baby in a café. The baby was crying and I could see within the new mother the exhaustion, the uncertainty and the confusion of having a new baby. When I saw her, I saw myself and so many other mothers I knew. There was so much I wished I could say to that mother in that moment; that the first few months are really hard, that it takes time to understand your baby yet that it also gets better. I wanted to give that mother encouragement and reassurance and so I wrote the book for her, in a way, but also for the many other mothers I knew navigating similar feelings.

Question: What types of information is included in Becoming a Mother?

Leisa Stathis: Becoming a mother explores the everyday challenges that mothers commonly experience within the early years of parenting including chronic sleep deprivation, profound social isolation, the confusion of learning our baby's secret language and the challenges of having a baby that cries constantly. Rather than rushing in with advice and solutions, Becoming a Mother explores the emotional journey of navigating these challenges. By sharing not just my story, but that of many other women, new mothers may come to see that the confusion of the early days of mothering is not only very normal, but also one shared by most mothers at some point in the first year. As well as women's experiences, each chapter includes thoughts for reflection that may help mother's think about their own experiences and encourage mothers to take care of themselves.

Throughout Becoming a Mother, I explore the milestones of the early years of parenting through a lens of recent research on bonding and attachment. My hope is that this knowledge, presented in a very accessible way, helps mothers to understand their babies and to trust that by the end of the first year, most mothers and babies will have arrived in a very different place from those early days of confusion. The bond they will have will be so much deeper.


Question: What do you hope new mothers take from Becoming a Mother?

Leisa Stathis: The journey of parenthood is complex, challenging and yet also one of the most rewarding we may ever embark upon. It may trigger many complicated feelings within the new mother. Knowing that other mothers are sharing in these feelings and experiences is important and hopefully helps women to release their overly high expectations of themselves and enjoy the journey of motherhood.

My hope is that Becoming a Mother offers new mothers encouragement and helps them to release the pressure they may carry to be a perfect mother. Although the first year presents many challenges as we come to know our baby, it is also a rich and meaningful time which includes many profound transformations, not only within our babies as we watch them grow, but also within the mother-baby bond and within our identity as a mother. Becoming a Mother seeks to give new mothers a deep reassurance that although they may have felt daunted, overwhelmed and exhausted in the early months, by navigating these challenges with their babies they are offering them something remarkable, a love that will last a lifetime. The motherhood journey will always contain challenges, yet it contains moments of wonder too.


Question: Are there parts of the book that would be suitable for a new father, too?

Leisa Stathis: Whilst the book is primarily written for mothers, much of Becoming a Mother relates to a father's experience, particularly if he is the primary caregiver. Specifically, the chapter -The challenges of parenting together' explores the stressors that becoming new parents bring to a relationship and the importance of supporting each other as we attempt to parent together. Both this, and the following chapter discuss the influence of our own family of origin upon the way we go on to parent and how this can create tensions within the marital relationship. These topics are extremely relevant for both mothers and fathers who want to navigate the parenting journey in a thoughtful way. Whilst the rest of the book is not specifically aimed at fathers, it may be useful for helping fathers understand the complexities of a mother's journey, which in turn may allow him to provide a greater range of emotional support.


Question: If you could give a pregnant woman one piece of advice, what would it be?

Leisa Stathis: In the early months, it is vitally important to surround yourself with a community of support. Being a new mother is very tiring and the early months provide one of the steepest learning curves we may ever embark upon. Find others who can offer you wisdom, encouragement and practical help. Creating a -village', whether through family and friends, or through other arenas of assistance such as child health nurses and an understanding GP, can make all the difference in helping you to navigate those tricky early months when sleep is scarce and there is so much to learn.
And, most importantly, be gentle with yourself.


Interview by Brooke Hunter